I Blog Therefore I Am

As I’ve mentioned before, I am a sex addict. I started counseling with a licensed sex addiction counselor during the Summer of 2022. At the same time, I joined a local SAA group. Here we are 16 months later. I have put so many things in my rear-view mirror with the help of God, my SAA brothers and sisters, and my counselor. What I have discovered is that I am a work in progress, I feel freer and lighter, and I am on a journey of self discovery. This is both exhilarating and terrifying at the same time. Exhilarating because I am leaving my addict behind in many ways. Terrifying because when I strip all of the addictive behaviors away, I’m not sure who I am underneath. It’s scary. Will I like who I am? It’s just hard to know.

I have a feeling that there are many other addicts out there who may not even be aware that they are addicts. That’s how it was for me. I knew I was doing some things that were not conducive to being a good man, husband, father, friend, etc. But I didn’t know the depth of my disease or how deeply rooted it was. Nor did I fully realize how it had an impact on everyone I came into contact with, whether they knew it or not. To say you’re a sex addict isn’t making an excuse for your behavior. “Oh, I was an addict so I wasn’t responsible for what I was doing”. That is far from the truth. But, at the same time, there are things that I have experienced in my life that may have contributed to some of these behaviors without me even knowing it. And in recovery, I am learning to separate the addict from the real me. Knowing there is a path to recovery, to being the person I was meant to be, is a tremendous weight lifted from my shoulders. Not because recovery is easy. Oh, it is NOT easy! But it’s a way forward.

The main thing to remember when battling an addiction is that 1) we are addicts and 2) there will always be temptation and urges to slip. But we focus on the progress we have made rather than beating ourselves up for mistakes. As long as we are using the new tools we have learned about to fight off the addictive behaviors, there will be progress. And I urge you, do not attempt to do this alone. It will not work. You need community. Counselling. And to connect with your higher power. I tried for many years to do it on my own. So I know what it’s like. Don’t let the shame win. Bring it out into the light. It’s the only way forward.

My hope is that by being open and vulnerable with you, my devoted reader, that perhaps you or someone you know is dealing with something similar and can get something out of reading this. Maybe they need someone to talk to about it or resources to begin looking into their own issues. I am here. Feel free to reach out privately or in the comments.

As I started to realize some of my tendencies are compulsive, I sought out a counselor who specializes in sex addiction. We agreed I needed to start attending meetings immediately. I had no idea that Sex Addicts Anonymous had meetings in the town where I live. I was still trying to wrap my mind about the fact that I am a sex addict. The ideas I had in my head about what a sex addict is didn’t seem to fit with what I was doing. I now realize that was just a lack of knowledge on my part. Not to mention an unintentionally judgemental attitude about sex addicts.

My therapist got me in touch with a guy who attends and leads the meetings, and he texted with me off and on that day to tell me about the meetings, answer any questions I have about them, and just help put me at ease about the whole thing. If you’ve ever heard someone say “I felt like there were other forces at play in this situation”, this was that day for me. In a matter of hours, I had gone from the desperation of wanting a different life for myself, to finding a sex addiction therapist and meetings in the town I live in. I probably should have been terrified as to what that first meeting was going to be like, but for some reason I never really was. I felt like God was putting me where I needed to be.

The next day was my first meeting. I really didn’t know what to expect but just knew I needed to be there. What happened in the next few months was nothing short of a miracle.

As I sat in my first meeting, I went from “what in the holy hell have I gotten myself into?” to seeing vulnerability, honor, no judgement and a safe place. I saw guys genuinely caring for one another. I saw guys who could not be open and honest about their addictions anywhere else, opening up and being completely transparent at these meetings. Slowly, I began to do the same.

With therapy, this group and my faith, I have begun to feel hope for the first time in many years. Hope for my future. My marriage. And a much lighter load on my shoulders than in recent history.

SAA is a brotherhood. It’s helped save my life, literally. The people in these meetings are some of the best people I know. Lifelong friendships are being made here. I never thought I would say the words “I’m a sex addict”, but they are very freeing words. And this group is a huge part of my ongoing recovery.

I had a pretty good life growing up. Two parent household. Private school. Toys to play with. Friends in the neighborhood to play with. Food on the table. Love in the house. Nothing to see here, really.

Now that I’m older (not sure about the wiser part), I realize that most all of us have some sort of trauma from when we were a child. The type and severity of that trauma can vary from person to person. But in learning about who we are and where we come from, as well as who we’re going to be, a great deal revolves around that trauma.

My parents are wonderful people. I pass no judgement on them at all as I write this. They did the best they could with the tools that they had to raise me and my sibling to be good people. I think overall they did a great job. That said, there were some things that they experienced growing up that did not prepare them for certain parts of being parents. Not their fault at all. But still true.

Whenever I was stressed out or sad about something, I went to my room. I didn’t talk about it, I just processed it, dealt with it, and moved on to the next day. Get bullied? My parents were simply not equipped to handle supporting me emotionally throughout my childhood. I would guess that their parents weren’t either. Who knows how many generations that existed through. But as a result, I often kept things in and didn’t ever ask for help. Two things I carried with me into adulthood, still to this day. They’ve impacted relationships I’ve had in the past, including the one I’m in now, and often times caused me to isolate when I needed to do anything but that. I am slowly but surely training my brain to relearn how to process these events in my life, and do the opposite of what my habits have been for most of my life. It’s not easy, but it is possible. With support and lots of help and communication with people I trust, it can be done.

There was one other specific type of trauma that I experienced as I was growing up. When I was about 14 years old, my Dad tried to commit suicide. He did ingested a bunch of pills and found himself waiting to die on our kitchen floor. Something moved him to pick up the phone and call 911, and thankfully the EMT’s were able to come to the house, pump his stomach and save his life. I wasn’t there when any of this happened, but I did notice things were different that day when I got home. His sportcoat was slung over the kitchen chair. Normally he didn’t get home from work until after 5pm on the bus or when Mom took me to pick him up. It’s all a blur, but that jacket on the chair I can still picture like it was yesterday. The next thing I remember was going to the hospital to see him with Mom. He was in ICU, restrained because they didn’t want him to try to hurt himself again. I didn’t know that, though. When I followed my Mom in, I remember him looking up to see me and trying to get out of the restraints. I don’t think he wanted me to see him like that. I was stunned. My hero, my role model, this man that I thought was superman, lying on this table in a hospital gown, unable to move. Tube down his throat. Unable to speak. I saw fear in his eyes. In my 14 years, I couldn’t imagine what made my Dad feel so much pain that he wanted to take his own life. My heart immediately felt this heavy empathy for him. I felt what he felt in some way. It was there that I probably first recognized my empathic nature, as well as my need to rescue people. I decided from that day on that my Dad would know that I loved him, did not want to lose him and that he better never try to leave me like that again. Not because I wanted him to feel bad, or worse than he already did. But because I wanted him to know that I loved him so much and that there are so many good things about him, if he could just see them too.

As I write this, over 35 years later, Dad’s struggle with Parkinsons Disease is starting to progress more quickly. He struggles to walk and stand, has to have someone help him shower, has difficulty swallowing and talking, among other things. It’s hard to see because I know he is just mentally and physically exhausted. He wants his body to work so badly, and why wouldn’t he? But it just doesn’t quite do it any more. All I feel is empathy for him. I’ve started to take him to appointments, help Mom manage his prescriptions, and try to advocate for him with his team of doctors to make sure he’s getting what he needs. He is embarrassed I’m sure by having me have to take him in a wheelchair into these appointments, or help him pull his pants up after he goes to the bathroom, or that Mom has to cut up his food for him so he can swallow it. But we do these things for him out of love. He’s done so much for us throughout his life. All we want to do is return the favor. My Mom and Dad’s relationship has changed so much. I see a real love there. He calls her “my angel”. I’ve never heard him call her anything so endearing before recently. But he does it every time I see them now. And she genuinely cares for him. It’s so nice to see.

The point of all of this is to say that some of the things I lacked growing up lead me to make some of the poor decisions I have made as an adult. Albeit inadvertently and through no fault of anyone’s. The fault for my poor decision making is my own, and I accept that, but also am working on recovering and figuring out what the triggers are and correcting them so I can be the man I want to be. Through recovery, therapy, and group, I am on my way. I just felt like sharing some more about what I’ve been through and where I come from. To what end I’m not sure. But I hope you got something out of it and can relate to some of it as well. If one thing I write helps any one person, it’s worth it. And so are you.

Thanks for reading! Be well!

This is going to be a boring post – no pictures or graphics. The text says it all.

Hi my name’s Shep and I’m an addict. Something I’ve wanted to post about but am hesitant to is that I am a sex addict. I don’t know what you think of when you hear that term. But for me it involves compulsive behaviors that I participate in knowing full well that I shouldn’t. That they control my life in an extremely unhealthy manner. That, on my own, I am completely powerless over. This type of addiction isn’t one of the ones people like to talk about. It’s awkward and uncomfortable and a big taboo. But it’s quite real, and someone you know is probably struggling with it. I think it’s time we start talking about it more. Sexual addiction ruins lives. It rips relationships apart. It causes pain for the addict and anyone close to them. And it’s very real.

For me it started with chatrooms, talking to random strangers. I sought connection. It was innocent really, until I realized how desperate others were for connection, too. I chatted with a girl who was nine hours away, wrote letters back and forth, exchanged pictures and eventually made the trek to meet her. But, because of the distance, it never quite panned out.

I continued to frequent chatrooms, then discovered cybersex. I liked it but it didn’t do much for me. So I “progressed” to phone sex. Not like a 1-900 number I paid for. I sought out women to give me their numbers so we could do it for free. I got addicted pretty quickly and would sometimes spend literally an entire night chatting with the goal being to hear a woman get off. All the while I was in a committed relationship and was doing it right under this person’s nose while they were asleep in our bed. I literally didn’t care who I hurt or how. As long as I got mine.

Eventually I grew bored of just phone sex and met someone. That physical affair lasted about a year off and on. The sex was amazing. We would meet in a hotel at the midway point between us. Still in a committed relationship. Lying, manipulating and cheating. And the guilt and shame I carried with me every day.

The physical affair ended and an emotional one started. There was also porn, constant masturbation, and my significant other left to feel like she was doing something wrong, lonely and hurt. There were even times that I had phone sex or chatted in chatrooms while at work. I could have lost my career. My family. Everything. I risked it all. And it didn’t occur to me. I wasn’t in my right mind. Addiction is a sickness. I was in over my head and for years and years.

I finally hit bottom. My relationship was in jeopardy. It was stop or be kicked to the curb. So I found a counselor who specializes in sexual addiction. I found local Sex Addicts Anonymous meetings. It’s such a safe place and so many people could benefit from it. But it’s so taboo. I will be forever grateful for SAA. It’s given me the tools to turn my life around, along with counselling. My relationship may never fully recover, but I’m still in one. And I’m trying to do right by her and give her the time she needs to heal. Either way, I will not return to that way of living. For me. I am going to work to stay sober and be in healthy relationships from here on out. And man it feels good.