I’ve been out of the blogosphere for nearly a year now. I don’t really have any particular reason for my absence. I’ve been knee deep in recovery, busy with work, helping my parents through some difficult health issues, and just generally busy with life. But nothing really busy enough to keep me from blogging.

I do have a confession to make, though. Something I can share here and maybe nowhere else. Judge me if you want. Lord knows I judge myself every single day and beat myself up than anyone else ever will. But I need to be honest here. I need to get this out.

There is a woman I have known for about five years now. We will call her Dee for the sake of this blog. I “met” her on an anonymous app called “Whisper” a long time ago. I was just looking for a place to confess some feelings, and not looking for a hookup. Then I noticed you could privately chat with different people. Why? I don’t know. I was lonely. Not connecting. But not wanting to do anything drastic like hooking up with someone in person. So I met Dee there, and we started chatting. She was smart, funny, intelligent, and we just seemed to click. Without getting into all of the details, this “relationship” went on for years. Twelve hours separated us geographically, so we never met. It was all online and occasional phone calls. She’s married too, and has a son.

The thing is, over time, I thought I fell for her. But it recently got to the point where my days were spent waiting to see if I would hear from her or not. No matter what was going on in my life, I would make time to talk to her-message her, leave her a voice note, anything-I would do it. But then I began to hear from her less and less. I knew she was going through a lot- job she really wanted she didn’t get; her step father passed away; her marriage was getting worse; and she was trying to recover from a three year relationship with a guy who ended up being a serial dater/cop who tossed her aside swiftly when he realized she was catching onto the fact she was one of many. A LOT.

That said, I was going through my own shit and always had time for her regardless. I knew something was changing. But when I asked her, she insisted I was wrong. Came to find out a few weeks later that I wasn’t wrong. She told me I was a nuisance, she wasn’t the same girl any more, and that my “constant” messages were stressing her out. I was devastated. Matter of fact, I still am.

Thing is, I never met her face to face. But I felt like I knew her. To the point where maybe, some day, we would be together. If our marriages didn’t get any better, that we would actually be together. Yes, I let myself go there. I believed, and still believe, I was in love with her.

Over the past few weeks, I have eliminated almost every form of communication between us. Deleted accounts. Blocked others. She can still get in touch with me any time she wants. But I don’t think she ever will. She wants me to believe she’s stronger on her own. That she doesn’t need me. Because, in her words, “everyone leaves me”. Fucking ironic, huh? Coming from the one person I thought I was safe with. The one person I thought would absolutely 100% never leave me. But she did. And she didn’t even think twice about it.

But, maybe she did me a favor. It wasn’t healthy for me to only have my cup filled by whether or not she had time for me yet. I was like she was three years ago with me. Before the cop. I mean, for crying out loud, I spent an entire day in bed. Devastated. Depressed. Rocked. Unable or unwilling to function. All because she told me she was done. Since then, I’m slowly but surely coming out of it. I’ve started running again. I’m getting involved in church again. And I’m trying to fully invest in the right things and people again.

When am I going to learn? I deserve to be alone. I don’t know why my wife stays with me. I hurt her over and over. All she does is try to love me. I don’t deserve her. Or anyone.

For now, I am going to do my damndest to do right by the people who are actually in my life and want me around. Even when I don’t deserve it.

I feel like a complete and utter failure. In just about every single way.

Thanks for letting me vent. Judge me all you want. I sure do.